Half
by D-Annelise
Summary: Raven looks back on her missing half from a prison mental ward. [Part of the Introspection series]


**Disclaimer: I only own fish and a laptop… That does not include DC comics, obviously.**

**A/N: This is one part of a six(?)-part one-shot series called Introspection (they take place in no particular order). It's basically the Titans thinking back on their lives. As of now, I've only planned for Raven, Cyborg, Starfire, Robin, Terra, and Beast Boy – but I will do others if I can get some suggestions for them.**

**Half**

_You don't need to bother  
I don't need to be  
I'll keep slipping farther  
But once I hold on  
I won't let go 'till it bleeds_  
**_Bother,_ Corey Taylor**

I was never happy just _settling_ for what was.

Not that I was ever exactly _happy_ – I was, after all, unable to feel for the longest time.

The thing is… I grew up feeling as if I was missing half of myself. In a strange sort of way. Like that part of me that was human never was.

In the sense that being human was thinking, learning, feeling, and _existing_.

But everyone on Azarath was like that. At least around me.

Because I was supposed to fulfill a terrible prophecy. I was supposed to destroy the world of mortals. Indirectly.

It scared them, I think. To become attached to me. Like if they never felt anything for me, if I never felt anything for them it wouldn't _hurt_ so much when the prophecy came to pass.

But, like I said, I was never happy to settle for that kind of thing.

I came to Earth because of that. Because I thought it would be safer from the cold void that was left in place of my human half.

Like Gar used to say… thinking has _always_ got me in trouble.

There are no words to describe just how _wrong_ I was thinking I'd be safer on Earth from that void. Because, until I got to Earth, I didn't think about it… and after, it just seemed to consume me.

Victor Stone was the _first_ person who ever understood what I meant when I said that my non-human half was swallowing me whole – turning me into something I didn't want to be. Maybe because he was living it at the time.

Half human, half robot, wholly afraid of being destroyed by something he wasn't – that summed my Cyborg up pretty well.

Gar used to hit me when I said that – "my Cyborg", "my Victor". Said it was like some sort of secret we weren't letting him in on. And he was right.

There were bits and pieces of us that we could only share with each other and no one else. It took us _forever_ to figure it out though. I'd known him since I was thirteen – and I was nearly twenty-five before I could even tell him I liked him; twenty-nine before I gathered enough courage to kiss him.

I still remember that night, too. He'd just broken up with Karen and I had left some guy whose name I hadn't bothered to learn. It had been raining and we'd just sat in silence by those front windows, watching it. And then… I just kissed him, nothing much – just a peck on the cheek to let him know I was there for him.

Gar laughed for two whole weeks after he found out. Maybe he had a good reason – I mean, when was the last time that he had figured something out before either of us?

Actually, Gar was good at that kind of thing. Figuring out relationships before anyone else. Really, really good…

And he was also very good at setting up the right circumstances to get relationships started. If crude.

After all, it had been his idea to lock Kori and Dick in a closet until they figured out their relationship.

Cliché? Definitely. But it surprisingly worked.

I think Kori was in on it… because she could have easily destroyed the closet given half the chance.

I once talked to Gar about why he was so determined to have everyone else's relationships work out. It all boiled down to the same thing everything else did in his life: Tara.

_Everything_ was about making up for the mistakes he made with Tara.

Because there was this strange half of him that was somewhere wherever she was – hurting and lonely.

He didn't get her back until they decided to round up everyone with powers. Hero, villain, people who hadn't used them in _years_…

By then it was almost too late, though. Tara was broken.

We were _all_ broken – but especially Tara.

They were punishing her for something that she couldn't even remember. Something she didn't _want_ to remember.

It was like they were violently forcing her to accept that half of her. And she just _couldn't_. I guess that was expected.

But, like I said, I couldn't just _settle_ for that.

Gar was like a brother to me. Like that annoying little brother you can't shake no matter what.

And he deserved to be loved. Especially by the girl that he'd given up everything for.

And so I concentrated all my efforts in that prison to fixing Tara. To keep her from completely falling apart.

I guess some part of Kori rubbed off on me. The part that was meant to care.

Because, honestly, it was a very _Kori_ thing to do – to try and save someone. At all costs.

I learned it from Kori first hand, too. That was something that was pretty much burned into my memory. While Victor may have taught me not to give into my other half, Kori was the one that saved me from myself to start with.

She'd pulled Dick in on that too – but left out Gar and Victor. That was back when the Titans had first formed. It was quite possible that she didn't think they could handle my rather self-destructive behaviors.

It was entirely possible that she didn't think she could either. But Kori always tried, no matter what. Even if it meant literally shoving food down my throat just so I'd eat.

Dick had agreed with her. But, then, Dick always agreed with her. It was the quickest way from Point A to Point B. Though very few people ever actually understood that about him.

I may have been the only one, for all I know.

But that was okay. Because that's how we formed our relationship in the Titans. We'd all picked up on certain things from each other and used them to fill what was missing within ourselves.

It sounds incredibly voyeuristic now that I think about it. But, who knows, maybe that wasn't such a bad thing.

That may have very well been what kept me sane all those years – unable to feel but picking up on my friends' feelings. Good and bad.

They all started to loose their passion after being in the prison for so long. And I slowly started to withdraw until they had to move me into the mental ward.

For the first time, I started to feel for myself…. And it had worked out about as well as I always thought it would. I threw all my power into the walls of the padded room, trying to bring the prison down from the inside out. After they found a way to hamper my powers, I started throwing myself against the walls and beat on the door until I had no strength left and my hands resembled ground meat.

I don't settle.

Ever.

But especially when I'm locked up so far away from the people who made up my human half.

I'm thirty-five, I was put in this mental ward two years ago – two years after I was first locked up. Simply because I have power; a power which could turn out to be dangerous to civilians.

I spent my life putting evil men behind bars for the same reason. Only difference, they acted on it.

I am only half human living inside these walls.

And I _refuse_ to settle for this being the end of my life. Not when I just started to really live.


End file.
